What Would Have Been 

I’m so excited to start this next cycle, start all the blood tests and book my flight to have the transfer. I just can’t wait to get things going and get pregnant for my IPs😁 There’s just a lot else going on this month. 

I can’t help but get a little sad when I see my friend’s baby announcements. I had 4 friends due within a week of me. I was so excited to hopefully have some birthday friends for my newest baby as well as maybe having my baby on or near MY birthday. I had a budget in my phone to plan out when we’d be able to buy all the baby gear before he was due. I was so excited that by my next birthday, I’d have another baby. 

I know we weren’t ready for the baby. Nothing from the beginning went smooth and it was all a gong show. The rest of the pregnancy probably would have followed suit. But still… I held life inside me. 

The dreams you have for your family become so real when you’re pregnant. I don’t know how to explain it, but even in the short time I was pregnant I imagined all the things that our family would be with this new addition. The girls would be such good big sisters. Lily would be the trouble maker, she’d have one more sibling to blame her shenanigans on but she also has so much love to give. Violet would be the protector and would be mommy’s helper. Violet loves babies, so she would have loved to feel my baby kick on her hand. They would have been so excited to meet their new sibling in the hospital, get to hold them and see their pure innocence. 

Part of imagining this future is to get used to the idea of having another one, come to terms with the many changes that will happen, have something to look forward to. I think part of it is positive thinking. You don’t, or at least try not to assume that you’ll miscarry. I struggled for so long after, I couldn’t get used to the fact that none of what I imagined was going to happen, it was all gone. 

It’s hard to explain why I’m still so sad about losing this baby even though we’re not planning on having any more of our own. We’re happy with the kids we have. I’m happy with my life. The best way to explain it is that I don’t want anymore babies, but I wanted my child, I wanted that baby. I wanted the baby that was mine, the one I had dreams for, the one I cried tears of joy and confusion over when the doctor told me I was pregnant. I wanted that baby I saw on the unltrasound screen with his little heart beating away.

What I’ve learned is that moving on isn’t about forgetting or pretending it never happened. It doesn’t get easier to deal with and at this point it feels like it’s getting harder. I don’t know how I’m going to do this other than having something to look forward to. Right now that’s the surrogacy. Despite the fact that I’m in pain over my loss, I can honour my baby’s memory by helping someone else get their rainbow baby. 

Also, part of getting through this is knowing that I will know my baby someday. When I’m in heaven, I’ll get to meet my little one and thank him for the little time he spent with me. I can tell him how much I love him and miss him. I’ll have eternity to get to know my baby😊 

Love you baby. Can’t wait to meet you😘

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